Chronicle....Part 1 - Kay

So I have a brother, the only brother I had. He is slimmer than me, and he's kinda funny guy. No, not that stupid goofy kind of funny. He's like that charming funny. Urm, no. Not charming funny. He's just funny.

Alright, so he is the middle son. Yeah as u usually can suggest that middle sons are always the good one right?The one who didn't rebel against the Mother. The one who would abide by the Mother's rule. The one who would always make the Mother happy. The favorite son of the Mother.

So does my brother. Lets name him as KAY. Well, that is his nickname after all. Not that we call him Kay at home, but that's the name his friends from Universiti Sains Malaysia, Penang called him. Yeah of course, he's middle name is also Kamarul, which how he came with the nickname Kay.

So he's slimmer, he's funny, he loves to laugh...the light of the party I must say.

And he's GAY.

Yes, you read that right.

He's gay. My brother is gay. I am gay. Well what a fucked up family we had right?

I first suspected that he's gay when well, of course, when he was in Boarding School. Well, not that I know whatever that he did back then, and I was just discovering myself and trying to really digest it...but of course, we were of the same breed.

I still remember when he was in his boarding school, he had this problem with a bitch at his school. That bitch has been spreading rumors that my brother is gay and has been trying to "tackle" her boyfriend. The thing was that my brother was a close friend with her boyfriend. And my brother had advised her boyfriend to stop couple with that bitch, or maybe "suspend" the relationship so they can focus on studies.What a bitch right?Who?My brother?

Yeah, and that was it. I knew it back then that there's something "funny" about my brother, but just keep that thought deeply inside my head.You know when you still couldn't cope with the thought that you are gay, you don't want to mess up your head with the idea that someone who is blood related to you was also gay.

Right?

Chronicle....Part 1

So I'm gay. So that's it. That's all about it. I wouldn't want to go into details how did I become gay and all that shit. It's in the past, and I don't want to tell about it, and I don't want to revisit that side of history.

All I know is that I'm ok with the fact that I love hot guys. And I am happy that I have a bunch of close friends who are in some sort of way, the same ship with me. Well, some seems to over accepting, while some others still quite shy about it. It's ok. They are still my bestfriends ever!And I love them all!

It's not that I'm glad that I'm gay. Well nobody wants to be something that is "unaccepted" as normal. I mean, who would want to wear that silly cone shape bra that Madonna used to don anyway?But I made peace with myself and accept me the way I am. So, nothing's really bad with that huh?

And the fact that I did not love hot guys just for the sake of sex. And definitely I'm not into anal intercourse. I don't find it sexually satisfying like some other gaymen do. I just don't like to fuck or be fucked. Is that even normal for a gay guy?I don't know.

Alright call me helpless romantic. Call me "Mat Gay Jiwang". Whatever. But I'm waiting for the right guy who would sweep me off my feet and lead me off the stairwell.HAHA.Like that will ever happen!Firstly, I'm over 90kg and no one can sweep me off my feet!Well maybe Edward Cullen could.....hohohhohoho...

Yeah.but seriously.I don't want to be called sinner, to face public discrimination and outrage just because I want to enjoy anal sex. I don't think so. I'm looking for something much deeper than that. Not "that" deep!

I'm ready for people to whack me, to call me fags and to say that I'll rot with the other sinners in hell because the Prophet won't accept me and all that shit, having Marzidol to say I'm a "Gay Durjana" as long as I could love my love and give him my all.My all entire Life.Yes.I'm ready for that.Marzidol who?

So, yeah.This is ME.I am Kamarul Azhar and I'm GAY. and I'm proud that I live with that.

picture credit:mazidulakmal.blogspot.com, rofy.blogspot.com

Chronicles of Kamarul...the Brother, the G-Units and the Wardrobe

Okay...you know what, for the past...urm, maybe 7 months I have tried to come out with ideas and contains that might attract readers into my blog...and yeah as you can see, nothing much really works...hohohohooo...I still only had like 2 to 3 people coming over, and they are all my bestfriends and all...so practically, no public ever came visiting my blog...which is kinda sad...haha

But just now, just just now, I was at the Orange cyber cafe in Taman Kosas...and I was reading Gay Authors when suddenly I happen to remember some facts about me and my life that I think....kinda interesting....huhuhuhu

So I guess I'm gonna start blogging about this particular part of my life....I hope people will start to come over and read the stuffs....huhuhhuu...this is a big part from me...

And I hope for those people who didn't quite know who I was before this, I hope you could open up your mind a lil bitand read with an open heart....hahahhaa

Alright, so enjoy the trip!!!!

Fearless

There's something bout the way the street looks when it just rain
There's a glow off the pavement you walked me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot yeah...

We're driving down the road I wonder if you know
I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool running your hands through your hair
Absentmindedly making me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first fearless
And I don't know but with you I'd dance
In the storm in my best dress fearless

So baby drive slow till we run out of road
In this one horse town I wanna stay right here
In this passenger seat you put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it remember it

Cause i don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first fearless
And I don't know but with you I'd dance
In the storm in my best dress fearless

Well you stood there with me in my doorway
My hands shake I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I will live or breath
Its the first kiss, it's flawless, really something
It's fearless

P/S: In this passenger seat you put your eyes on me, In this moment now capture it remember it!!!!

Oh Edward....

And I don't know how it gets better than this

You seek my hand and drag me head first fearless

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance

In the storm in my best dress fearless

You know what, it has always been every gals (and gays) fantasy of having this kind of man in their life. The one who would do anything spontaneously, and for that matter, fearlessly, just to show his love and affections. This kind of man, makes every gals and gays alike to just dance to their tunes. So charming and endearing and....drop dead gorgeous. Just imagine having Edward Cullen as your boyfriend. With that speed and charm, he can "do" you while you were shaving your pubic hair without you realized that he has been there. Ok that's gross.

No I mean, seriously! What kind of man who could just sweep you off your feet and you know, maybe kiss you while you were in a lecture hall in front of your Additional Mathematics teacher? Now that would be intriguing, wouldn't it? Having Edward Cullen holding you inside his powerful arms, and kissing you passionately like he's trying to get into your soul, caressing your inner thigh, tickling it with his fingers...wow...that's just fantastic!!!(is it me or is it hot in here?)

Fantasies aside!Now, is there really this kind of man out there? This Edward Cullen type of man who could drive his sports car at a full speed and still having his eyes fixed on you? The best you'd get nowadays is Zac Efron's wanna be. You know that type of man (read: boys) who are charming but still... amateur? Even if there is a man like Edward Cullen (I'm so digging him right?) somewhere out there, would a simple gal (or gay) like you and me could ever get 1 mile near him? I mean, seriously! Even the real life Edward Cullen that is Robert Pattinson was having himself all locked down (no fetishes here) with security guards when he was in Canada and Italy shooting New Moon!!!How the hell would we ever grab those crotch?

Sigh.Now all that is left is his naked torso available for public viewing when the New Moon comes out!!!Well at least you (and I) could use it as fapping materials!!!

picture credit:http://teengoss.files.wordpress.com/

This is Racist!!!

Anak kecil main api
Terbakar hatinya yang sepi
Airmata darah bercampur keringat
Bumi dipijak milik orang

For the love of GOD and this country, the phrase "bumi dipijak milik orang" is definitely a method of the doctrine of fear to the Bumiputras that their own motherland might be sold off to the Non-Bumis if they don't keep on supporting the ever corrupt and racist UMNO.

Nenek moyang kaya raya
Tergadai seluruh harta benda
Akibat sengketa sesama kita
Cinta lenyap di arus zaman

This phrase further confirms that it was and still is, due to the stupidity and power hungry Malay leaders who eventually "sold off" this country, not because of the Non-Bumis!

Indahnya bumi kita ini
Warisan berkurun lamanya
Hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain
Pribumi merintis sendiri

This is also a very racist phrase. The line "Hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain, Pribumi merintis sendiri" is indeed trying to scare the Malays that the Non-Bumis are trying to grab their power and position in Malaysia. Come to think of it, "hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain"? I thought it has always been the Non-Bumis who should have been thinking like this, as all their efforts and sweat is not recognized.

Masa depan sungguh kelam
Kan lenyap peristiwa semalam
Tertutup hati terkunci mati
Maruah peribadi dah hilang

Oh for God sake!Maruah Melayu dan Malaysia hilang because the UMNO lords who won't ever let the Malays to compete level by level with their Chinese and Indian friends!That is so degrading and shameful to even be Malays! We Malays of the younger generation always have high confident that we too can compete with our Chinese and Indian friends by merit alone! We are not stupid and corrupt like those UMNO lords! It was corruption that kills the Malays dignity and self pride!!!

Kini kita cuma tinggal kuasa
Yang akan menentukan bangsa
Bersatulah hati bersama berbakti
Pulih kembali harga diri

We never lose our integrity. Hence we never lose our harga diri. Not like UMNO lords who are always and will always be corrupt. They are the bunch who need to pulih kembali harga diri.

Kita sudah tiada masa
Majulah dengan gagah perkasa
Janganlah terlalai teruskan usaha
Melayu kan gagah di Nusantara

I'd like to rephrase "Melayu kan gagah di Nusantara" with "Malaysia kan gagah di Dunia". First of all, this is to support PM's vision of a united Malaysia, not United Malays. And we don't just want to be respected in Nusantara, coz we have always been respected, we want to be respected and honoured in the World, and to do just that, we are not going to do it alone! We are going to strive together as One Nation, that is with our Chinese, Indian, Punjabis, Melanaus, Bidayuh, Iban, Kedazan, and even Orang Asli!!! Bullshit with Malay Supremacy! Long live Malaysia!

p/s: I can't imagine how you guys went through BTN...

Coming Out Story #1

I, like most other people, had had enticing feelings towards men since I was about twelve years old. When I went to the first day of class of sixth grade we had a new student and the teacher introduced to him. Immediately we became friends. It was not too long after that when we visited each others' houses and began to 'fool around.' We kept reassuring ourselves that all the other guys in the school were doing this as well and that we weren't alone. Him and I were together, secretively, for about four years.
In the meantime I had dated a few girls, but no longer than a couple weeks at a time. When I went to college I thought that I could change myself. I had spent the first three years forcing myself to like women and watching every move I made to make sure I didn't come across as gay. It had gotten to a point in my Junior year where I tried to sleep with a girl and no offense to her, but that was the most disgusting, and embarassing moment of my life. I claimed from that moment I never wanted to touch that portion of a girls anatomy EVER again. No offense to girls and straight guys. That was kind of my last ditch effort to really secure the fact that I wasn't gay. It didn't work.
It was December of that year (Last December actually) when I started to do research about being gay and coming out. I decided that I was finally going to tell someone over choir tour that January. Well, I never got the chance to tell who I wanted to so I figured that I could keep it hidden at least until I got out of college. Well one night in January (late at night) I was lying in my bed and I had finally gotten to a point where I had to tell someone. I tried calling my best friend but he was going to bed so I didn't want to bother him. So I layed in my bed that night shaking, my stomach was killing me, almost crying, and I just had to tell someone.
So the next day, I told the secretary down in the Music Department and from that point, I began to tell my friends. At first I wanted to be very laid back about it however, it did not take long for me to be comfortable enough to not conceal it. I never announced over a loud speaker or anything but I embraced it. Telling my friends became easy, the scary part was, knowing that I had to tell my parents. I told my two sister and my aunt because I knew they would be okay with it. When I told them, I thought they were going to be furious. They weren't. However, they were not exactly happy either. My father kept telling me I should go see someone and that I was confused and for about the next week or so he didn't speak to me. My mother did talk to me however, she kept getting upset. After about a week, things were somewhat back to normal, my dad was talking to me again and my parents said before I went back to school that they loved me very much.
Today, I am 21 and a senior in college and loving every minute of my life. My parents are totally okay with my orientation but my dad and I do not really talk about it, which is okay. Him and I still do the things we used to do, like go to car shows and such. The only issue I face is that I am a church organist for a very conservative Presbyterian church. I am sure people at that church can figure out that I am gay for they are not retarded however, I am not out at that church because I know I would be fired if I was. So my advice is, if you are in the closet, do not wait until you are old to come out. I wish I could have when I was 15, not 20 even though that is not old. However, take your time and do it when you are ready. Once you do, you will hopefully realize that it isn't so bad but be ready to embrace the "bumps" in the road because there will be some. =)
http://www.avert.org/gay-men-stories.htm#

Fucking Indonesians!!!!

You know what, I'm sick and tired of trying to reason with these stupid Indons.

It seems that they are not trying anything to make peace with us.

I mean, the whole world knows that Padang in Sumatera was recently hit by a amjor earthquake, seeing thousands of its people being killed and misplaced.

And being a good neighbor Malaysia is, the government quickly flew in some aids, in good faith that the Indons would accept with open heart and be thankful.

But being Indons is being irrational, stupid, irrelevant, emotional, unconstitutional, uncivilised, shitty douchebag home of porn stars and all, they gladly rejected Malaysian aid just because Malaysia is home to South East Asia's best/biggest casino to date, that is Genting Highlands.

And the shitty thing is, they gladly accepted aids form the US of A, which is home to an even larger, larger than anywhere in the world, casinos that goes by the name , Las Vegas City of Sins.

I DESPISE MALAYSIAN MUSLIMS!!!

Honestly, I despise Malaysian Muslims who goes with the name PAS.

Today, once again I am very much embarrassed with the backward, neolithic (oh, maybe Paleolithic) way of thinking these PAS members (read: Youth Leader) portrays.

They are trying to implement Taliban way of administration.

Mind you, yeh, Malaysia is not Afghanistan, not even Brunei that you can have this kind of rule.

Malaysia is consisting of various races and ethnicities, and that, if you don't know already, comprises of various religion.

And it is NOT , constitutionally speaking, an ISLAMIC country.

Yes, yes the official religion is Islam, but there's no provision in the Federal Constitution says that Syariah Law is in any way above the Civil Law.

So, please, adhere to the Constitution, will you?

On October 25, superstar Beyonce Knowles is set to stage her long awaited concert in Kuala Lumpur.

She'll be singing, screaming, jumping, shaking her booty and all her stuff to entertain Malaysian crowds.

And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

That is what we call entertainment. And that is the cleanest form of entertainment you can get.

If you're saying that she has to wear hijab and standing straight while singing like a statue so that she could entertain us, man, I gotta tell you, you are on the wrong planet man!!!!

Royals

The squabble between the Raja Muda Johor (Crown Prince of Johore) with a Prince from the Seri Menanti Palace somehow shows the bad examples of the Royalties in Malaysia.

It was indeed very a shameful act, and what's more it was done by members of the Royal Families, which all Rakyat Malaysia regard highly of.

And the more interesting fact is that the Royalties were back from partying at a sqwanky night club in Kuala Lumpur, showing that these so called protectors of Islam and the Malay Adat (Culture) are somehow very gladly embracing hedonism.

We the Rakyat expect more out of a Royal Family.

While they were raised in palatial mansions, we the Rakyat has to work our ass off everyday just so that we could afford a DBKL housing project.

Please, we are not questioning your positions as members of the Royal Family, but you have to live up to that standard.

You are regarded as having "purer" blood compared to all of us, with all your dignitaries and sovereignity, yet you showed us that you can't even be the best example for us.

These circles of Princes and Princesses need to be sent to some Khidmat Negara project, along with us the lowly paesants, so that they knew, and emphatised our everyday life.

There should be a law, which among others imposing some "qualifications" before a Prince or a Princess could be accepted into a Royal Family. They should be tested with services to the people and the country.

For example, every Princes should enroll into "special military schools for the royals" right from their teenage life up until they graduated.

Every princesses should be sent to some "Islamic institution for the royals" so that they be more adhered with the Syariah law.

And before they were ever crowned as a Royal Family, they should serve as a civil servant for at least 1 year.

Whatever it is, we are just lowly paesants, we don't even have the right to talk.

F1 1 Malaysia?

This is plain stupid. Period.

The worst ever decision by the Malaysian government under the reign of Najib.

The running cost is estiomated to go from Rm60 million to Rm300 million per year.

And I don't have to finish my ACCA papers to figure out how much schools and hospitals could be built with that much amount.

And I don't have to earn some Economics Degree from some fancy UK institution to figure out that most Malaysians won't even benefit from this investment.

Think about those Orang Asli kids who can't even make a decent living, yet their homes are being chopped down to make way for some development project.

Think about those Penans, Ibans, Muruts, Kadazans, Bidayuh and so on who lives in some of the most remote area in the world, with no proper education, water, electricity and even irrigation system.

Think about US. Malaysians in every sense of life from the hawkers in Jalan Alor, to the bartenders in Jalan P Ramlee.

http://obefiend.blogspot.com/2009/09/gibi-8-why-1malaysia-f1-team-is-great.html

http://niamah.blogspot.com/

http://heavanessa.blogspot.com/

EFFING LORD!!!!

An Indonesian maid was in a Hong Kong jail Thursday awaiting trial for mixing her menstrual blood in a pot of vegetables she was cooking for her employer. Indra Ningsih, 26, allegedly told police afterwards she mixed the blood into the meal in a superstitious effort to make her Chinese employer "more amiable and less picky" towards her.

The maid was arrested Tuesday and charged at a hearing Wednesday with administering a poison or other noxious substance with an intent to injure. She was remanded in custody until May 13.

Ningsih was arrested after her employer peered through the kitchen door and saw her acting suspiciously as she cooked vegetables for lunch.

When the employer checked, she found a blood clot-like substance mixed with the vegetables and a used sanitary napkin in the kitchen bin, according to a report in the Hong Kong Standard newspaper.

Prosecutors said that Ningsih told police her employer had been unhappy with her performance since hiring her last July and constantly scolded her.

She told police she mixed the blood with the food because she believed it would improve their relationship and make her employer kinder to her, according to prosecutors.

In 2008, a court in Saudi Arabia jailed two maids from Indonesia and the Philippines for four months and sentenced them to 250 lashes each for putting urine and menstrual blood in their employer's tea.

Another Indonesian maid in Hong Kong was jailed for three months in 2007 after being convicted of adding urine to the drinking water of her employer, believing it would make the family treat her better.

More than 200,000 women from the Philippines, Indonesia and Thailand work as live-in maids for families in Hong Kong, doing housework and child care duties for a government-set minimum wage of around 450 US dollars a month.

Viva Forever, My Friends...

Do you still remember,
How we used to be,
Feeling together,
Believing whatever,
My love has said to me,
Both of us were dreamers,
Young love in the sun,
Felt like my saviour,
My spirit I gace you,
We'd only just begun...

Hasta Manana,
Always be mine,

Viva forever,
I'll be waiting,
Everlasting,
Like the sun,
Live forever,
For the moment,
Ever searching
For the one...

Yes I still remember,
Every whispered words
The touch of your skin,
Giving life from within,
Like the love song that I'd heard,
Slippin through our fingers,
Like the sand of time,
promises made,
Every memory saved,
Has reflections in my mind...

Back where I belong now,
Was it just a dream,
feeling unfold
They will never be sold,
And the secrets safe with me...

Its Been Eight Years...

Approximately eight years ago, I was elated to found out that I was placed into this institution, which is regarded as among the best in Malaysia's Secondary Education, where the creme de la creme were placed and trained as to be the front runner of the country's leadership and economy.

I was a student of MARA Junior Science College Kuala Kubu Bharu.

So there I was, all alone in a secluded district of Kuala Kubu Bharu, the Sleeping Hallows, as the British described it about a century ago, where it was the first British Administration centre in the State of Selangor, before Kuala Lumpur gained its fame.

I was alone, emotionally.

And there he was. i'm not sure wether I like him at the first place. But one thing for sure, I like people who is interesting, colourful, cheerful, motivated and "very gay". All and all, there was something in him that I couldn't quiet put my finger on. Mysterious. I would say.

His name was Andi Rizal Za'ba. Hailed from the sleeping city of Shah Alam. He was a scorpion, just like me, and for some odd reason, we stick together.

Boy, I never thought It was going to be EIGHT years.

We literally done EVERYTHING together. We live together, we sleep together, we play together, eat together, study together, laugh, cry....dream....

And of course, being a super smart student Andi is, I always knew he would one day further his studies some where prestigious, somewhere farr away from this land of Sunshine. Far away from me.

The question is now, could I handle with the "thought", the mere thought of not having Andi by my side, not having Andi to cheer me up when ever I was down, not having Andi to show me how freak he is when studying, not having Andi to irritate me with his ultra liberal thoughts, not having Andi with.....almost everything?

I'm not sure I could handle that.

Now he is totally, absolutely, the reality has smack my face with the fact that Andi Rizal is really going off. To Heriot-Watt University, Edinburgh, Scotland.

And it's been eight years since we first met...

Stay the Same, Andi!!!!!

Dont you ever wish,
You were someone else,
You were meant to be,
The way you are exactly,
Don't you ever say,
you don't like the way you are,
When you learn to love yourself ,
You better of by far,
And I hope you always stay the same,
Coz there's nothing bout you I would change.

I think that you could be ,
Anything that you wanted to be,
If you could realize,
All the dreams you have inside,
Don't be afraid
If you got something to say,
Just open up your heart
And let it show you the way

Believe in yourself
Reach down inside
The love you find will set you free
Believe in yourself
You will come alive
Have faith in what you do
You'll make it through...

Don't change...

This lyrics "Stay the Same" is dedicated to my bestest friend, Andi Rizal Za'ba, who is going to Heriot-Watt University, Edinburgh, Scotland to further his studies in Acturial Science.

One In A MILLION

Shah Indrawan a.k.a Tomok

has made it to the Grand Finals

of One In A Million

Season 3

and eventually bagged the title

eventhough being the lowest ranked contestant

at the start of the Grand Finals

which were held

at the Melawati Stadium, Shah Alam.

Congratulation to Tomok!

1Malaysia, People Fisrt, Performance NOW!!!!

Actually, I would like to take this opportunity

to congratulate

our 6th Prime Minister of Malaysia

Dato' Seri Najib Tun Razak

Eventhough it is a lil bit too late

But still, as a rakyat of Malaysia

I really hope that

Dato' Seri Najib

could bring prosperity and

Unity

to the life of the rakyat.

As per the slogan

1 Malaysia, People First, Performance Now

is indeed

significant

and to the aspiration

of the masses.

Still,

there are more to come.

The slogan shoudn't be made

as just another goverment's propaganda.

It should be implemented

and be put as a vision

and mission

for the rest of Malaysia.

So,

what does the slogan bring actually?

Or,

what does it mean by

1 Malaysia, People First, Performance NOW?!

Is there any other "Malaysia" out there?

Is the people, or the majority of the population being put last?

Is performance has been farther than late?

These questions arise with the slogan.

And it is the responsibility for the government of the day

to attend to these questions.

These are the principles

or the essences

of the slogan

that needs to be focused on

by Dato' Seri Najib

and his Cabinet Ministers

and the rest fo the Dewan Rakyat's MP.

The rakyat of Malaysia nowadays

have realised that

they are the biggest

and the most important

stakeholders

in Malaysia.

Not the Yang di-Pertuan Agong

Not the 11 Ruler of States

(Ampun Tuanku Patik Menjunjung Sembah Ke Bawah Duli Tuanku)

Not the PM himself

and not even the Member of the Dewan.

It is the voice of the stall owners

It is the voice of the teachers

It is the voice of the businessmen

It is the voice of the students

that will determine

the future of Malaysia Tanah Airku.

Of McDonald's, McCurry and McKandar

A local restaurant here in KL

has won a court injunction

for the right to use the name

"McCurry"

against international franchise

McDonald's.

McCurry?

hahahahha

that's nothing I tell ya

there's another local restaurant

at Jalan Jelatek

just opposite the Jelatek LRT station

with name

"McKandar"

Unfortunately, I don't have the picture of

McKandar

I'll try to find one, and I'll post here.

See Ya!!!!!

Swine Flu

Oh good lord!!!
Isn't it disgusting?
Swine flu is now a Phase 5 Endemic!!!!
Someone call 911!!!!

Actually, this post is dedicated
to all my friends
whom are studying abroad
especially in the US, UK, Canada, Russia, Egypt and Chezc Republic
so that they take good care of themselves
and be very clean everyday
and please wear protection masks
whenever they outdoors
especially when they took the train
to classes and to malls
especialy in those highly "swine flu prone area".

Take good care of yourself
Don't travel to Mexico!!!!!

FUCK YOU HOMOPHOBES

So, a couple of nights ago,

Andi called me from KMB.

He sadi, he was desperately need to seek my advice

on certain matters.

To be exact, it was about his friend

whom eventually is gay

but couldn't really "be gay"

and it's been eating him inside out.

The story was like this.

This guy is gay.

And once he had a very passionate and loving beau.

To make it short, they made out a couple of times

Well, like Taylor Swift said,

"We were both young when I first saw you,"

So they made out and the beau was very passionate

that he left "his marks" all over that guy's body.

And this lead to questions by teachers

and lead to teacher calling parents

that their son had love bites.

and being a typical Malay family that the parents are

they "interrogated" their son

and "made him confess"

and later,

this guy went out with his boyfriend

but literally left his cell to his mother

and to make it even worst

the beau sent lovey dovey sms-es

to his cell

and eventually read by the mother.

All hell broke loose.

And now

this poor guy is living a hell

his parents are constantly threating him
that if he continues meeting guys

that if he continues have feelings with guys

he won't be sent to UK for futher studying

and he is not allowed

to have "gay friends"

or effiminate male guys

and whatsoever.

Now, he has been living a lie

that he is forced to become something he isn't.

and for that I say

FUCK YOU HOMOPHOBES!!!!

A Tragic Story

Mary Griffith's StoryBy Robert Bernstein

Mary Griffith's story perhaps reflects the ultimate human tragedy. She blames herself for the death of her son.

Mary says Bobby was "kind and gentle, with a fun-loving spirit." He was handsome, with clean-cut features and an Adonis-like body perfected by weight lifting. He loved old movies, particularly The Seven Year Itch with his favorite star, Marilyn Monroe. He loved Italian food and meeting people.

But the diary that he kept for the last two years of his life reveals a tortured soul. Tortured by passions he had been taught were sinful. Tortured by the bondage of what he called "society's rules." Tortured by fear of hell. "Gays are bad," he wrote, "and God sends bad people to Hell.... I guess I'm no good to anyone, not even God. Sometimes I feel like disappearing from the face of this earth."

The Griffiths attended Walnut Creek Presbyterian Church in Walnut Creek, California. There, Mary said, the ministers and the congregation were clear that homosexuals were sick, perverted, and condemned to eternal damnation. "And when they said that," Mary recalls, "I said, 'Amen.'"

For her part, Mary just knew that homosexuality was "an abomination to God." And even before she knew Bobby was gay, she conveyed her feeling to him in no uncertain terms. She remembers in sadness one incident that occurred when Bobby was fourteen. He had introduced her to a friend of his, a young girl. For some reason, Mary had loaned the girl a coat. Later, Mary learned that the girl had once had a lesbian encounter, and found herself unable to wear the coat again herself. "You can't love God and be gay," she told Bobby.

At about the same time, Bobby told his brother he was gay. Two years later, his brother told their parents. That night, the family was up until 4 A.M. talking and crying. They all agreed Bobby was a sinner, that he had to be cured by prayer and Christian counseling. Mary told him he had to repent or God would "damn him to hell and eternal punishment." She had faith that God would come to Bobby's rescue, but only if he read his Bible.

The Christian counselor recommended prayer and suggested that Bobby spend more time with his father. But Bobby's diary revealed that nothing was changing. "Why did you do this to me, God?" he wrote. "Am I going to hell? I need your seal of approval. If I had that, I would be happy. Life is so cruel and unfair."

His mother kept telling him he could change. "It seems like every time we talked, I would tell him that," she says. "I thought Bobby wasn't trying in his prayers." When Bobby became more withdrawn, she simply chalked it up to God's punishment. "Now," she says, I look back and realize he was just depressed."

When Bobby was twenty, in desperation the Griffiths decided he should move to Portland, Oregon, and live with a cousin. At first, the move seemed to help. He worked as a nurse's aide in a senior citizens' home and developed something of a social life. But the depression returned and deepened. A few months later, in his diary, he cursed God and added, "I'm completely worthless as far as I'm concerned. What do you say to that? I don't care." Again and again, he emphasized the shame and self-blame he felt over his sexual orientation. "I am evil and wicked. I am dirt," he wrote. "My voice is small and unheard, unnoticed, damned."

One Friday night in August 1983, Bobby had dinner with his cousin. She noticed that he seemed thoughtful, perhaps depressed. He seemed to want to talk about something, but said little. Then he left, saying he was taking a bus to go dancing downtown.

Early the next morning, two men driving to work noticed a young man, later identified as Bobby, on an overpass above a busy thoroughfare. As they described the next few moments, the boy walked to the railing, turned around, and did a sudden back flip into mid-air. He landed in the path of an eighteen-wheeler.

Bobby's body was return to Walnut Creek for funeral services in the Presbyterian church. The minister told the mourners that Bobby was gay, and suggested that his tragic end was the result of his sinning.

Later, the Griffiths met with their pastor for grief counseling. In her despair, Mary was seeking ways to atone for the loss of Bobby. She told the pastor she knew there were "other Bobbys out there" and asked how she could help them. The pastor merely shrugged his shoulders—and Mary never again returned to that church.

However, she did not lose her sense of religion. Her speech resonates with the tones of spiritual awareness. But she has found a very different God from the one she worshiped at Walnut Creek Presbyterian. She reread her Bible with fresh eyes, and sought out secular books about homosexuality. She concluded that there was noting wrong with Bobby, that "he was the kind of person God wanted him to be...an equal, lovable valuable part of God's creation." She says now, "I helped instill false guilt in an innocent child's conscience."

Bobby Griffith's fate is not uncommon among gay youth. One report chartered by the government suggests that gay adolescents are nearly three times more likely than other teens to attempt suicide. Some 30 percent of all youth suicides, it says, can be traced to the pressures generated by "a society that stigmatizes and discriminates against gays and lesbians."

But Bobby's story stands out for two reasons. Unlike other youths who kill themselves, Bobby left an extensive written record of his anguish. And unlike other parents, his mother has not denied or buried her role in the tragedy, but has leveraged her remorse into aid to others.

Shortly after Bobby's death, Mary Griffith discovered PFLAG. For some years, she was president of an East San Francisco Bay PFLAG chapter and appeared frequently on television talk shows, usually wearing a button with Bobby's picture and another with the PFLAG message, "We love our gay and lesbian children." She has cooperated in the filming of documentaries about the Griffith family tragedy, and is the subject of a the book Prayers for Bobby: A Mother's Coming to Terms with the Suicide of Her Gay Son, by Leroy Aarons, founder of the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association and a former national correspondent for the Washington Post. She campaigns tirelessly for the cause of public school counseling supportive of gay teenagers, believing that Bobby would still be alive if his high school had had such a program.
And she has a guiding standard for other parents. Listen to your instincts as a mother or father, she tells them, not to those who urge you to violate your parental conscience. "All we had to do was say, 'We love you, Bobby, and we accept you,' and I know Bobby would be here today. Part of me wanted to reach out and tell him, 'You're fine just the way you are.' To me, that was my mother love, that was my conscience. But I didn't have the freedom to listen to my own conscience."

Reprinted with the permission of Robert A. Bernstein and Thunder's Mouth Press.

Halo - Beyonce "Sasha" Knowles

Remember those walls I built

Well baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in

But I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened

Every rules I had you breakin

It's the risk that I am takin

I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo, halo

I can see your halo, halo

I can feel your halo, halo

I can see your halo, halo...

Hit me like a ray of sun

Burning through my darkest night

You're the only one that I want

Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again

But this don't even fel like falling

Gravity can't forget

To pull me to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened

Every rules I had you breaking

The risk that I'm taking

I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's wriiten all over your face

Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

what would u do if...

your brother is a gay?

and u are a gay too?

and u happen to borrow your brother's laptop

with a gayromeo.com model's wallpaper on it

and u suppose to bring that laptop

to your prospect employer?

and inside mydoc

there are pics of him

making love with his beloved one?

and it's not hidden

and it's not even password protected?

It's Complicated.

Kamarul : Life on the Fab Lane

hye guys.

the other day I was dreaming.

and it was rather funny yet "very inspiring".

because in that dream I was working with the diva herself!!!!

Kimora Lee Simmons!!!

in that dream we were sort of having a party

and Kimora was like drunk

and she was throwing money to everyone!!!

isn't that just so cool?

Viva La Vida

hola guys!!!

U definitely got to love this song, aite?

Viva La Vida by Coldplay

I used to rule the world

Seas would rise when I gave the word

Now in the morning I sleep alone

Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice

Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes

Listen as the crowd would sing

"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key

Next the walls were closed on me

And I discovered that my castles stand

Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing

Roman Cavalry choirs are singing

Be my mirror, my sword and shield

My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain

Once you go there was never

Never an honest word

And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind

Blew down the doors to let me in

Shattered windows and the sound of drums

People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait

For my head on a silver plate

Just a puppet on a lonely string

Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing

Roman Cavalry choirs are singing

Be my mirror, my sword and shield

My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain

I know Saint Peter won't call my name

Never an honest word

But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing

Roman Cavalry choirs are singing

Be my mirror, my sword and shield

My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain

I know Saint Peter won't call my name

Never an honest word

But that was when I ruled the world

To be honest, I was strucked

when the first time I heard

this song played on the radio

I was liked,

"WOW"

this song's a killing man!!!

but first,

I wasn't aware of the lyrics tho

but then

when I got the lyrics

I was like

this lyrics is awesome!!!!

I mean, it's like

they are mocking the rulers of the world

I mean, the likes of Bush...

Blair...

Sharon...

You know, those people la...

Seriously!!!

Just take a look at those lyrics!!!

hey, guys. it's Wednesday, and it was raining this morning.

i was on my way to Bangsar with my dad,

and we were listening to Fly FM Pagi Show.

and the first topic they were discussing was about

"who is the most grumpy/snobbish person/people u know?"

and u know what, for me

the most grumpy/snobbish people I know is

or rather are

the Indonesians!!!

You know why, because the Indonesians they are like

well, maybe because of their extremely patriotic spirit

they tend to say that everything best is in Indonesia!!!

U see, they always compare everything with Malaysia

the Batik, the Songket,

even the Rasa Sayang song!!!(what?!)

it seems to them that the only race exist in the world is

only the Indonesians

and the rest of the world are just people with no

culture and civilisations.

they even compare the traffic congestion in KL

with in Jakarta!!!

and they are proud with it!

they say,

"Di Jakarta tu macetnya lagi hebat dari di KL"

What?!

I mean, do u have to be so "patriotic" until u even proud of your nasty traffic?!

GOSH!

I just can't stand with the Indonesians.

They always say that Malaysians have no taste in fashion,

that our cooking is not as good as theirs...

BLA BLA BLA

And they even accused us of being

"penjajah alaf baru"

u see, they said that Sime Darby

being the world largest manufacturer of palm oil

has been "conquering" their economic wealth.

I mean,

EXCUSE ME?!

for starters, they can't blame us of monopolying their palm oil industry

why do they have so corrrupt people as government?

why can't they eve take care of their vast, wealthy islands

and magnificent market (being the forth largest in the world)

and turn it into an economic giant

as do China and India?

duh

they are just some bunch of moron people...

Dead and Gone

Oh

I've been travellin' on this road too long

Just tryna find my way back home

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone

And oh

I've been travellin' on this road too long

Just tryna find my way back home

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone

"Come back , son. He's dying."

"...."

"Please,...just...come back..."

Click.

I was driving along Jalan Ampang when I got that call. A call that was about to turn my world around.

It was my dad. And he was on his death bed.

"Mom, I got the scholarship!!!Can you believe it?!This is awesome!!"
"Oh God, your father's going to be so pissed off!!!"

"But mom, this is all I ever wanted!You know I always wanted to be a singer!"

"Son, you know how your dad is like. He doesn't want his only son to be a singer,"

"But mom, this is what I want to do..."

"Look, your father has arranged everything so that you could be in the military, so..."

"I don't want to be in the military!I don't want to be an army!"

My father was an army, and he was so glad about it.

He was a fighter pilot. And he wanted his son to continue that legacy.

When I was 7, my mom put me into a singing competition.

And it turned out to be the thing that I love.

To sing, is just out-of-this world. The feeling is overwhelming.

When you sing, it's like you're reaching out for the audience.

You try to dive inside their feelings, and play with it.

And when u see they are enjoying themselves,

or shed tears, moved by your singing,

you just feel like you can take on everything.

But my father didn't see so.

He saw it as unfit for a boy, or a guy to be performing.

He saw it as something ugly, something only faggots do.

While he was a roughneck, he certainly didn't want his son to be a faggot.

"I'm sending you to a military school, you understand?!"

"But dad, I already got the scholarship. Isn't it going to be such a waste if I let it go?"

"You are my son, I should decide what's best for you!After all, I'm paying for that school!"
"Dad, I got the scholarship!You don't have to dig out a cent!"

Slap.

My father just couldn't bear the fact that I wanted to be a singer.

And I, being a stubborn lil ruckus, determined to go for it even without his blessing.

So I just went out of the house and decided not to come back.

I could still remember how my mom pleaded to him to let me go,

or in that matter, to let her go so that she could at least send me off to the school.

But my father was so rigid.

I still remember that look in his eyes when I stepped out of that house.

His gaze.

It was frightenning. I was frightened.

At that moment, I know I have no place at all in his heart anymore.

(to be contined)

PMS

oh God!

I'm so having PMS today.

And I can ensure you

It's a bad one this time.

I just talk about Kameel , right?

Of him going to Japan and all

and u know what

just now

my ex-bf (or so it seems to me)

added me on his fs?!

I mean, what?

after all this time u've been away

and then out of the blue u just poof?

and taking my breath away? (again?)

I am so having PMS.

Kameel...

u know, I'm kinda private guy, so I don't really talk about myself,

much,

so I more like to talk about my dearest friends

and all whom are so matter to me!

so this post is about Kameel,

One of my most best friend.

I've known Kameel since we were in Form 1 at

MARA Junior Science College KKB

he was staying at the opposite room from my room

at the dormitory.

And one sweet day during the induction week

in 2002

when we were Form 1

he came bursting off my door

and said, with his hands "flying" around,

"Wey korg, hari nak pakai baju apa?"

And since that fateful day,

we've been bestfriend.

We've had been so close to each other

We've done everything together

I can say that, we've grown up together

We've faced problems together

We've solved em together.

And then, it was SPM.

and Kameel, being the "genius" one of us,

scored 91As.

that is 9 hardcore subjects scored with a perfect A!

I was so happy for him.

I was so glad with him.

I was so glad to call him "my bestfriend"

Coz he is the best after all.

And he went to one of the best public university here in Malaysia

studying one of the toughest course

and having the best offer

that is going abroad to Japan to continue his study

so that one day he could be a better person

so that one day he could uplift his family's condition to a better heights

so that he could contribute for the nation.

And without a doubt, I am glad

I am fucking glad that he succeed.

I would do anything to ensure he will succeed.

But Kameel, this is the truth.

Deep inside my heart,

I don't want u to go,

I miss u so badly I never miss anyone like this

Everytime I had this thought of u going

Thousand miles from KL

I had this feeling

of crying out

of don't wanting u to go

I feel like a lil child

crying out for his dad

when his dad was going out for work

he knew that his dad will come back

but he just couldn't bear with the thought

that he weill be left out for sometime

because to him

that sometime feels like

years.

And you're going for years.

This Is So ME!!!!

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Friends...

Once, my bestfriend whom I missed him damn much said,

"Friends are like maids, USE them well,"

Yeah, that's Maliq. He is like the most sarcastic and witty among US all.

And when I said "US" means yeah, the 10 members of G-Unit.

G-Unit is like, the most functional clique I ever get myself into.

We were like so close to each other till some point that we even decide for one another!!!

Isn't that just so cool?

And my friends in G-Unit they are like so incredibly intelligent and just so....

FANTASTIC!

Welcome

welcome to the greatest show

greatest show on earth u' ve never seen before

here the fairy tale unfold

what's behind the smoke and glass?

painted faces everybody wears a mask

are u selling them your soul?

well u'll be left out in the cold

is it all blue skies?

fun and game until u fall

then u're left without anyone at all

u're riding on a shooting star

with a smile upon your face

but soon the shine fades

and u're left out all alone

wondering where did they all go?

been jaded, hated

who'll be around when the limelights faded?

been shut down

pushed out

made to smile when i wanted to frown

always taking a bow

always working the crowd

always making new ground

always playing the clown

who'll be sticking it out?

who'll be staying around?

when the lights go down

isn't the words are just dramatic?

Hola!!!!!

Hye guys and gals!!!

Well, this is it!!!!

My first personal blog after all!!!!!

This time it's about ME, MYSELF and I!!!!!

And of course,

All that I'm living for!!!!!!