Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Chronicle....Part 1 - Kay

So I have a brother, the only brother I had. He is slimmer than me, and he's kinda funny guy. No, not that stupid goofy kind of funny. He's like that charming funny. Urm, no. Not charming funny. He's just funny.

Alright, so he is the middle son. Yeah as u usually can suggest that middle sons are always the good one right?The one who didn't rebel against the Mother. The one who would abide by the Mother's rule. The one who would always make the Mother happy. The favorite son of the Mother.

So does my brother. Lets name him as KAY. Well, that is his nickname after all. Not that we call him Kay at home, but that's the name his friends from Universiti Sains Malaysia, Penang called him. Yeah of course, he's middle name is also Kamarul, which how he came with the nickname Kay.

So he's slimmer, he's funny, he loves to laugh...the light of the party I must say.

And he's GAY.

Yes, you read that right.

He's gay. My brother is gay. I am gay. Well what a fucked up family we had right?

I first suspected that he's gay when well, of course, when he was in Boarding School. Well, not that I know whatever that he did back then, and I was just discovering myself and trying to really digest it...but of course, we were of the same breed.

I still remember when he was in his boarding school, he had this problem with a bitch at his school. That bitch has been spreading rumors that my brother is gay and has been trying to "tackle" her boyfriend. The thing was that my brother was a close friend with her boyfriend. And my brother had advised her boyfriend to stop couple with that bitch, or maybe "suspend" the relationship so they can focus on studies.What a bitch right?Who?My brother?

Yeah, and that was it. I knew it back then that there's something "funny" about my brother, but just keep that thought deeply inside my head.You know when you still couldn't cope with the thought that you are gay, you don't want to mess up your head with the idea that someone who is blood related to you was also gay.


Chronicle....Part 1

So I'm gay. So that's it. That's all about it. I wouldn't want to go into details how did I become gay and all that shit. It's in the past, and I don't want to tell about it, and I don't want to revisit that side of history.

All I know is that I'm ok with the fact that I love hot guys. And I am happy that I have a bunch of close friends who are in some sort of way, the same ship with me. Well, some seems to over accepting, while some others still quite shy about it. It's ok. They are still my bestfriends ever!And I love them all!

It's not that I'm glad that I'm gay. Well nobody wants to be something that is "unaccepted" as normal. I mean, who would want to wear that silly cone shape bra that Madonna used to don anyway?But I made peace with myself and accept me the way I am. So, nothing's really bad with that huh?

And the fact that I did not love hot guys just for the sake of sex. And definitely I'm not into anal intercourse. I don't find it sexually satisfying like some other gaymen do. I just don't like to fuck or be fucked. Is that even normal for a gay guy?I don't know.

Alright call me helpless romantic. Call me "Mat Gay Jiwang". Whatever. But I'm waiting for the right guy who would sweep me off my feet and lead me off the stairwell.HAHA.Like that will ever happen!Firstly, I'm over 90kg and no one can sweep me off my feet!Well maybe Edward Cullen could.....hohohhohoho...

Yeah.but seriously.I don't want to be called sinner, to face public discrimination and outrage just because I want to enjoy anal sex. I don't think so. I'm looking for something much deeper than that. Not "that" deep!

I'm ready for people to whack me, to call me fags and to say that I'll rot with the other sinners in hell because the Prophet won't accept me and all that shit, having Marzidol to say I'm a "Gay Durjana" as long as I could love my love and give him my all.My all entire Life.Yes.I'm ready for that.Marzidol who?

So, yeah.This is ME.I am Kamarul Azhar and I'm GAY. and I'm proud that I live with that.

picture credit:mazidulakmal.blogspot.com, rofy.blogspot.com

Chronicles of Kamarul...the Brother, the G-Units and the Wardrobe

Okay...you know what, for the past...urm, maybe 7 months I have tried to come out with ideas and contains that might attract readers into my blog...and yeah as you can see, nothing much really works...hohohohooo...I still only had like 2 to 3 people coming over, and they are all my bestfriends and all...so practically, no public ever came visiting my blog...which is kinda sad...haha

But just now, just just now, I was at the Orange cyber cafe in Taman Kosas...and I was reading Gay Authors when suddenly I happen to remember some facts about me and my life that I think....kinda interesting....huhuhuhu

So I guess I'm gonna start blogging about this particular part of my life....I hope people will start to come over and read the stuffs....huhuhhuu...this is a big part from me...

And I hope for those people who didn't quite know who I was before this, I hope you could open up your mind a lil bitand read with an open heart....hahahhaa

Alright, so enjoy the trip!!!!


There's something bout the way the street looks when it just rain
There's a glow off the pavement you walked me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot yeah...

We're driving down the road I wonder if you know
I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool running your hands through your hair
Absentmindedly making me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first fearless
And I don't know but with you I'd dance
In the storm in my best dress fearless

So baby drive slow till we run out of road
In this one horse town I wanna stay right here
In this passenger seat you put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it remember it

Cause i don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first fearless
And I don't know but with you I'd dance
In the storm in my best dress fearless

Well you stood there with me in my doorway
My hands shake I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I will live or breath
Its the first kiss, it's flawless, really something
It's fearless

P/S: In this passenger seat you put your eyes on me, In this moment now capture it remember it!!!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Oh Edward....

You seek my hand and drag me head first fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In the storm in my best dress fearless

You know what, it has always been every gals (and gays) fantasy of having this kind of man in their life. The one who would do anything spontaneously, and for that matter, fearlessly, just to show his love and affections. This kind of man, makes every gals and gays alike to just dance to their tunes. So charming and endearing and....drop dead gorgeous. Just imagine having Edward Cullen as your boyfriend. With that speed and charm, he can "do" you while you were shaving your pubic hair without you realized that he has been there. Ok that's gross.

No I mean, seriously! What kind of man who could just sweep you off your feet and you know, maybe kiss you while you were in a lecture hall in front of your Additional Mathematics teacher? Now that would be intriguing, wouldn't it? Having Edward Cullen holding you inside his powerful arms, and kissing you passionately like he's trying to get into your soul, caressing your inner thigh, tickling it with his fingers...wow...that's just fantastic!!!(is it me or is it hot in here?)

Fantasies aside!Now, is there really this kind of man out there? This Edward Cullen type of man who could drive his sports car at a full speed and still having his eyes fixed on you? The best you'd get nowadays is Zac Efron's wanna be. You know that type of man (read: boys) who are charming but still... amateur? Even if there is a man like Edward Cullen (I'm so digging him right?) somewhere out there, would a simple gal (or gay) like you and me could ever get 1 mile near him? I mean, seriously! Even the real life Edward Cullen that is Robert Pattinson was having himself all locked down (no fetishes here) with security guards when he was in Canada and Italy shooting New Moon!!!How the hell would we ever grab those crotch?

Sigh.Now all that is left is his naked torso available for public viewing when the New Moon comes out!!!Well at least you (and I) could use it as fapping materials!!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

This is Racist!!!

Anak kecil main api
Terbakar hatinya yang sepi
Airmata darah bercampur keringat
Bumi dipijak milik orang

For the love of GOD and this country, the phrase "bumi dipijak milik orang" is definitely a method of the doctrine of fear to the Bumiputras that their own motherland might be sold off to the Non-Bumis if they don't keep on supporting the ever corrupt and racist UMNO.

Nenek moyang kaya raya
Tergadai seluruh harta benda
Akibat sengketa sesama kita
Cinta lenyap di arus zaman

This phrase further confirms that it was and still is, due to the stupidity and power hungry Malay leaders who eventually "sold off" this country, not because of the Non-Bumis!

Indahnya bumi kita ini
Warisan berkurun lamanya
Hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain
Pribumi merintis sendiri

This is also a very racist phrase. The line "Hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain, Pribumi merintis sendiri" is indeed trying to scare the Malays that the Non-Bumis are trying to grab their power and position in Malaysia. Come to think of it, "hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain"? I thought it has always been the Non-Bumis who should have been thinking like this, as all their efforts and sweat is not recognized.

Masa depan sungguh kelam
Kan lenyap peristiwa semalam
Tertutup hati terkunci mati
Maruah peribadi dah hilang

Oh for God sake!Maruah Melayu dan Malaysia hilang because the UMNO lords who won't ever let the Malays to compete level by level with their Chinese and Indian friends!That is so degrading and shameful to even be Malays! We Malays of the younger generation always have high confident that we too can compete with our Chinese and Indian friends by merit alone! We are not stupid and corrupt like those UMNO lords! It was corruption that kills the Malays dignity and self pride!!!

Kini kita cuma tinggal kuasa
Yang akan menentukan bangsa
Bersatulah hati bersama berbakti
Pulih kembali harga diri

We never lose our integrity. Hence we never lose our harga diri. Not like UMNO lords who are always and will always be corrupt. They are the bunch who need to pulih kembali harga diri.

Kita sudah tiada masa
Majulah dengan gagah perkasa
Janganlah terlalai teruskan usaha
Melayu kan gagah di Nusantara

I'd like to rephrase "Melayu kan gagah di Nusantara" with "Malaysia kan gagah di Dunia". First of all, this is to support PM's vision of a united Malaysia, not United Malays. And we don't just want to be respected in Nusantara, coz we have always been respected, we want to be respected and honoured in the World, and to do just that, we are not going to do it alone! We are going to strive together as One Nation, that is with our Chinese, Indian, Punjabis, Melanaus, Bidayuh, Iban, Kedazan, and even Orang Asli!!! Bullshit with Malay Supremacy! Long live Malaysia!

p/s: I can't imagine how you guys went through BTN...

Monday, October 26, 2009

Coming Out Story #1

I, like most other people, had had enticing feelings towards men since I was about twelve years old. When I went to the first day of class of sixth grade we had a new student and the teacher introduced to him. Immediately we became friends. It was not too long after that when we visited each others' houses and began to 'fool around.' We kept reassuring ourselves that all the other guys in the school were doing this as well and that we weren't alone. Him and I were together, secretively, for about four years.
In the meantime I had dated a few girls, but no longer than a couple weeks at a time. When I went to college I thought that I could change myself. I had spent the first three years forcing myself to like women and watching every move I made to make sure I didn't come across as gay. It had gotten to a point in my Junior year where I tried to sleep with a girl and no offense to her, but that was the most disgusting, and embarassing moment of my life. I claimed from that moment I never wanted to touch that portion of a girls anatomy EVER again. No offense to girls and straight guys. That was kind of my last ditch effort to really secure the fact that I wasn't gay. It didn't work.
It was December of that year (Last December actually) when I started to do research about being gay and coming out. I decided that I was finally going to tell someone over choir tour that January. Well, I never got the chance to tell who I wanted to so I figured that I could keep it hidden at least until I got out of college. Well one night in January (late at night) I was lying in my bed and I had finally gotten to a point where I had to tell someone. I tried calling my best friend but he was going to bed so I didn't want to bother him. So I layed in my bed that night shaking, my stomach was killing me, almost crying, and I just had to tell someone.
So the next day, I told the secretary down in the Music Department and from that point, I began to tell my friends. At first I wanted to be very laid back about it however, it did not take long for me to be comfortable enough to not conceal it. I never announced over a loud speaker or anything but I embraced it. Telling my friends became easy, the scary part was, knowing that I had to tell my parents. I told my two sister and my aunt because I knew they would be okay with it. When I told them, I thought they were going to be furious. They weren't. However, they were not exactly happy either. My father kept telling me I should go see someone and that I was confused and for about the next week or so he didn't speak to me. My mother did talk to me however, she kept getting upset. After about a week, things were somewhat back to normal, my dad was talking to me again and my parents said before I went back to school that they loved me very much.
Today, I am 21 and a senior in college and loving every minute of my life. My parents are totally okay with my orientation but my dad and I do not really talk about it, which is okay. Him and I still do the things we used to do, like go to car shows and such. The only issue I face is that I am a church organist for a very conservative Presbyterian church. I am sure people at that church can figure out that I am gay for they are not retarded however, I am not out at that church because I know I would be fired if I was. So my advice is, if you are in the closet, do not wait until you are old to come out. I wish I could have when I was 15, not 20 even though that is not old. However, take your time and do it when you are ready. Once you do, you will hopefully realize that it isn't so bad but be ready to embrace the "bumps" in the road because there will be some. =)